The Lizard

The lizard on the wall likes to look at me while I’m working. All this while I’ve started liking it. It doesn’t like to move. Its eyes protruding at me. On the dull blue wall in the corner behind the air conditioning stabilizer, half visible to the eyes, it stays just above the bed. It has such good knowledge of angles, it looks from a place where it can see the whole room. When I sleep, it vanishes at the back of the stabilizer. Otherwise looking at me every second. This eyeing of ours has taken leaps it seems. I used to look at Sneha with that intensity in the good old days. If I could have that intensity once again I could have ended up being with her forever but only looking at her didn’t suffice here. She wanted more of me and I couldn’t give her that level of commitment. I was not ready for it and even now I doubt it. After her, I fell into an unneeded hookup. This time it was Prachi, a sweetheart, can’t exactly recall why I broke up with her, maybe because of the same intensity. Then again, I went back to Sneha and it was humiliating. She fired all the bullets at me that she had been loading since our farewell. After cursing and abusing we were back again and I didn’t feel the love again. I cursed my coming back now for I couldn’t break up just like that. It stayed on for a long while till it evemtually exhausted itself. There it was staring at me all the while. I felt its Eyes showed me the grey sides. Sneha and Prachi both combined couldn’t look like the lizard at me. It was soothing and pleasuring at once. That look of it’s gave meaning to my existence. I was made for it, to look at. It sometimes opened its mouth and caught flies with its tongue. I kept the balcony open to keep a constant supply of flies and mosquitoes for it. The flies were sweet but I learned a lot about repellents. The best repellents are the ones which smell worse. Not just mosquitoes but even people stay away from you and you yourself would like to do it for a few days and then you get used to it. From these weird behavioral changes, I remember Sneha saying she loved my weird little escapades. She perceived it as a sign or proof of my existence. A philosopher she was. Tried to speculate the small into massive. How did we ever relate is debatable. She was kind of cute and this makes the answer more clear. Whatever it is, desires always lead you there. The lizard never had desires, not that I could tell by the way it looked at me. Stayed at a place for long and Nirvana. No desire for money just simple and plain survival. Survival is existence for it. It was a trance and a yogic stage that it was into. I wanted its temperament. And I failed miserably into copying it. The stage is for those who create and not copy. The lizard never copied. The first time I looked at it, it was staring at me.  I never sensed myself of this importance. It was this reptile that made me realize my worth. I’m always thankful for it. It has created me. Sneha was also a Creator and Prachi was created. They both are the specimen of the experience I gained. But the lizard is the ultimate creator for what it has done for me is incomparable. I don’t want to humiliate it by measuring it’s worth my existence. The existence is because of it. It is the existence. The dead lizard fell on the floor.

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